k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize