Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
