Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
