I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
