she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
