I just made out with a guy for $7.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she peed on how many people?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
