Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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