if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
