Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
