Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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