u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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