If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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