my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize