You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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