he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
