Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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