Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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