i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
