i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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