the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
