Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
