When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The uberlube is also flammable
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
