Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
