the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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