Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
