he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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