I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
