I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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