Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
