Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
