you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
