So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
