im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize