I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You left your phone here
Wait...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
