Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think I just sharted jello shots
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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