Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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