i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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