My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
