i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
