Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
