I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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