somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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