im about as happy as oj after his trial
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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