im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
