I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
