Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
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