Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
