There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
