you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well I just put wine in my tea
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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