I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
