i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
