rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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