If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
