I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
