I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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