My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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