The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize