i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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