Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
