on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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