1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
