Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
