She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
